April 2nd, 2020. Awake! I am awake, heart is hammering with 180 beats per minute. My blood rushes through my guts. There was a deadline for a paper, I got hundreds of mails, my code was wrong, error messages… the dream is slowly fading. I hold my breath and listen. Listen into myself. Quiet. Is it gone? Please be gone. I don’t know what to do anymore. No, there it is. There is the feeling. It’s stronger this morning. It feels loud, neon green, aggressive. Something is terribly wrong here. I feel like something is arriving, a bad foreshadowing. I try to get up, the sunlight is waving happily at me through the blinds. Here comes the pain, like sour acid in every cell, burning, sharp pain. Oh no. Why does it hurt? What is this? Why does it always hurt? Please, please, stop. The pain is boiling this morning. It’s a constant, no sudden attacks, but it intensifies steadily. A beautiful linear model of pain with a positive slope.
One step. There it is again, I’m not making this up! The ground is shaking. The bed is shaking, the floor is shaking, I can even sense the vibration of the cars outside crossing the street in front of our flat. What is happening to me? This isn’t normal anymore. Please, someone help me, please! My breathing accelerates, I know that time is running out for me. The acid rises in my body, the bright green pain flushes through my legs, spine, stomach, my shoulders, neck, arms. I can’t breathe. Oh god, this is ridiculous, what the hell is wrong with me? My hands tremble while I throw on some clothes, any clothes. The floor is shaking with every step I take, the acid is swashing in my torso. The doctors said it’s psychosomatic. It’s the stress. Burnout. I should relax. Maybe quit the PhD. Do some breathing exercise, do some yoga. Yeah, do some yoga with a belly full of acid.
I must go there now. This won’t stop. I know it. Nothing helps, it has only gotten worse. No. No, no, no, stop thinking that. That is not what I’m thinking, these are not my thoughts! I don’t want this, stop it! I can’t breathe, my fingers twitch and my throat tightens as I zip up my jacket in our hallway. I hear him talking in his office, he is in a team meeting. He can’t help me, not this time. No, please, go in there and ask him to end his call, please. No. There is no time left. I must go now. I must end it. I put on my shoes, my vision is blurry. I take a last look in the hallway mirror. Blurry shards, my reflection in fractures. Shards in my mirror, shards in my blood. I will leave now. No! No, please, don’t, no, no, please stop! Call Mum, call 911, anyone, this isn’t me! This is evil, what is this? I can’t do this to him, I can’t leave him, he loves me! But I must leave now, I can’t take the pain anymore, there is only one way out of this body. My hands are still trembling, but I leave the flat without a word. As if I am remote-controlled, I get down the stairs and head out, down the street, further down the street. To the highway bridge.
Art director: @j.studiography
Costume design: @dan_jel_tailor
Model / Text: @filthnoir
Music recommended: Chased by Adam Taylor
Shot in November 2023
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